"Do You Know How To Use This Weapon?"


Streaming Video With VLC.

This is pretty cool.

And since I followed along on my own machine I can confirm that it works. Even for me, although all my decrepit antique of a Quickcam picked up was a square of black until I pointed it directly at a light source.

Then I tried it with an ogg video file on my local drive as a source and that worked too.

I’m going to try a DVB-T tuner next.

Prozac… and I, Night Breed.

Yep. So the SSRI brain juice stuff seems to be settling down.

I’m back on solids, so to speak (don’t think too much about that) and the gas and the gurgling have stopped.

I’m still sleeping like a corpse though and I wake up feeling like someone has set my head in a huge lump of latex.

And I’m an effing vampire again. The last 72 hours I have slept days and woken up at 19:00 or 20:00 and then crashed again at 09:00 or 10:00.


Whatever normal is.

But things are getting better.

Rollins Doesn’t Need My Respect.

He has it in spades regardless. Honesty and brutal humility of this calibre deserve nothing less.

WWHRD? Apologise like a man.

Henry Rollins: More Thoughts on Suicide

By Henry Rollins
Mon, Aug 25, 2014 at 4:14 AM

(Emphasis added)

As you might imagine, I got a few letters about my recent column about suicide. Actually, it was a lot of letters. For days. I read them. No matter how angry or instructive, I appreciate them all because they were written with complete sincerity, even if some had only two words, the second being “you.”

After reading carefully and responding as best I could, it was obvious that I had some work to do in order to educate myself further on this very complex and painful issue. I am quite thick-headed, but not so much that things don’t occasionally permeate.

In the piece, I said there are some things I obviously don’t get. So I would like to thank you for taking the time to let me know where you’re coming from. None of it was lost upon me.

I cannot defend the views I expressed. I think that would be taking an easy out. I put them out there plainly and must suffer the slings and arrows — fair enough. I won’t attempt to dodge them. However, that doesn’t mean that I can’t be taught a thing or two. I have no love for a fixed position on most things. I am always eager to learn something. I promise that I will dig in and educate myself on this and do my best to evolve. Again, thank you.

In the short amount of space afforded here, hear me out. Like a lot of people, I have battled depression all my life. It’s nothing special, in that it’s too common to be considered unique. This state has made me have to do things in a certain way to remain operational. There have been some truly awful stretches, as I am sure there have been for anyone who deals with depression, that have at times rendered me almost paralytic. Hours pass and I slow-cook on a cold spit. I have likened it to being a peach in a can of syrup yet fully conscious. In an attempt to keep moving along, I must stay in the immediate present tense, acutely aware of everything happening, like driving a car on a highway. If I conclude that I am not citizen grade, I do my best to avoid people so I do not act unpleasantly. No one deserves it. This has kept me in hotel rooms, my kitchen and the corners of gyms. When I have a show that night, it’s minute-to-minute.

One of the only things that gives me a breather is music. I medicate with it.

What has perhaps kept me from seeing things differently about severe depression is that I am sure I don’t have it.

But the power of severe depression was brought up quite a bit in the letters I received. Your anger toward me on this, believe me, I got it.

I serve. That is what I do. It is, to me, the most fortunate position to be in. I have an audience. It is because of them that I get to eat, move — everything. Each member of this audience is better than I am. Braver and more real than I see myself. The only thing I fear besides being misunderstood, which would be my fault anyway, is failing these people.

For decades I have talked to and gotten letters from people who tell me that something I did helped them, or saved them from killing themselves, helped them get clean, stay clean or come out. Never once do I really think that I had anything to do with anyone staying alive, but I get where they’re coming from. All of them are better than I am and it is them I serve.

In my mind, all of this is mine to screw up. While I don’t take myself seriously, I take them with a frightening degree of seriousness. They can take or leave me at any time; they have options. They are all I have and, beyond that, I feel I have a duty to serve them because they have made me better.

I guess this is what makes me wrestle with the issue of suicide, when it pertains to those who have an audience, or kids, or both. I feel nothing but debt to my audience. I will try my hardest, but I will never be able to even the books. If I checked out, I would be running out on the bill.

Like I said, I am trying to evolve on this. I have a picture in my mind. There is a person — one with a family and a huge audience — who is on one side of a seesaw. The family and the audience are on the other side. This person’s condition makes him heavy enough to tilt all of them up in the air and send him to the ground. He didn’t want to go, but the condition outweighed all of them and even he couldn’t stop it. Is that, albeit crudely drawn, basically it?

I understand it is my task to learn about this. It might take a while, but I will get on it. It is my belief about an ingrained sense of duty that will make this challenging, but I am always up for improvement.

I got several letters thanking me for what I said. However, it was the ones that took me to task that made me think the most.

To those I offended, I believe you and I apologize. If what I wrote causes you to toss me out of your boat, it is to my great regret, but I understand and thank you for your thoughts.


Time For A Soma Break.

Despite what the YouTube uploader says this adaptation of Aldous Huxley’s “Brave New World” is not a BBC production. It was made in 1980 for U.S. television.

It’s not brilliant, and it has a cut rate “Logan’s Run” sort of feel to it, but I like it a lot. Its cast includes Keir Dullea of “2001: A Space Odyssey” fame and Bud Cort who some might know from “Harold and Maude”.

And of course it fits in nicely with the drugged up theme of the week.

I have a copy of “THX 1138″ burnt on the same disc as my copy of this. I’m going to refrain from watching it for awhile. I actually plan to stay on these damn pills.

Prozac Fun.


Well not yet anyway.

August 24, 2014, 03:54

Oh Joy.

It’s too early for anything other than a psychoactive placebo effect from the prozac.

But the diarrhoea, the gurgling plumbing, and the toxic arse gases have arrived right on schedule.

Fun times.

August 25, 2014, 09:06


Shit. I’m up when I normally wouldn’t be i.e. at a civilised hour of the morning.

I’ve consumed enough coffee that it should be producing some simulacrum of energy. It’s not.

Instead I feel like my eyeballs are about to fall out onto my keyboard.

I wanted to accomplish some things today but it’s not going to happen. So I’ve made use of that wonderful “email” thing that we’ve had since 1971 or so and changed some appointments.

Now I’m going to lie on my bed, stare at the ceiling, and listen to some Kraftwerk.

I’m sure some poor bastard would pay good money to feel like this.

Back on the Prozac.

That nice chemical soft focus is still in the post. I’ve managed without it for awhile, but things have been bad enough for long enough that it has to be an improvement.

No pill is a silver bullet. Some pills can help us deal with chronic symptoms though, and that’s a good thing.

It’s a topic I see-saw back and forth on. For good or otherwise I’m leaning this way right now.

This evening I read about Henry Rollins’ comment on depression and Robin Williams’ suicide on the VICE mag site. I’m not linking to the VICE “article” because it’s a standard piece of journalism free kneejerk click bait.

Henry Rollins’ full piece for his L.A. Weekly column is much more enlightening.

Am I the only person living with actual depression who thinks what he says is perfectly reasonable?

Henry Rollins: Fuck Suicide

(Emphasis added)

Days after Robin Williams died, I kept seeing his face on the Internet. His death seemed to have a momentum of its own. It went from a sad death of a famous person to “a nation mourns” pitch, which I didn’t quite understand. Sites such as Huffington Post swim in their own brand of hyperbole. They call it news and culture, but often, it’s just content.

I understand why people feel Williams’ loss so intensely. His talent as an actor is not in dispute. His performance in Good Will Hunting is unimpeachable. I wonder if he was tapping into his own deep trench of personal pain to deliver some of those scenes. It was brave and excellent work.

The more you think about it, the more you remember one great performance after another. Good Morning Vietnam is a favorite of mine.

When someone with this level of exposure dies in this way, it is confusing. An Oscar-winning actor, well-paid, with a career that most performers could only dream of — how could anyone so well regarded and seemingly fortunate have as much as even a single bad day, much less a life so unendurable that it has to be voluntarily voided?

On more than one of my USO tours, Robin Williams had been on the same stage a few days before me. That’s all I needed to know about him. As far as I was concerned, he was a good man.

But it’s here where I step off the train. I am sure some will strongly disagree with what I’m about to say. And I also understand that his personal struggles were quite real. I can’t argue with that.

But I simply cannot understand how any parent could kill themselves.

How in the hell could you possibly do that to your children? I don’t care how well adjusted your kid might be — choosing to kill yourself, rather than to be there for that child, is every shade of awful, traumatic and confusing. I think as soon as you have children, you waive your right to take your own life. No matter what mistakes you make in life, it should be your utmost goal not to traumatize your kids. So, you don’t kill yourself.

I know some people will disagree. And I get that you can’t understand anyone else’s torment. All that “I feel your pain” stuff is bullshit and disrespectful. You can appreciate it, listen and support someone as best you can, but you can’t understand it. Depression is so personal and so unique to each of us that when you’re in its teeth, you think you invented it. You can understand your own, but that’s it. When you are severely depressed, it can be more isolating than anything else you have ever experienced. In trying to make someone understand, you can only speak in approximation. You are truly on your own.

Everyone handles their emotional vicissitudes in their own ways. I am no doctor, but I think the brain is always looking for a sense of balance and normal function so the body can operate efficiently. Some people medicate accordingly, in an attempt to stay somewhat even. That pursuit can lead one down some dark paths. Someone who is an addict might not be an “addict” in the pejorative sense but merely trying to medicate and balance themselves.

Many years ago, I lived in Silver Lake with a housemate who suffered from severe bouts of depression. When she wasn’t in her small bedroom with the lights off, crying for hours, she was bright and hilarious. Anywhere we went, we laughed our asses off. She fought her depression with everything from bike rides to drugs, prescribed and otherwise. Years after the last time I saw her, I guess she could no longer keep up the battle and killed herself. No one who knew her was surprised. When she was in her deepest misery, she was unrecognizable.

The hardest part about being around her was you knew there was nothing you could do to help.

I get it, but then again, maybe I don’t.

When someone negates their existence, they cancel themselves out in my mind. I have many records, books and films featuring people who have taken their own lives, and I regard them all with a bit of disdain. When someone commits this act, he or she is out of my analog world. I know they existed, yet they have nullified their existence because they willfully removed themselves from life. They were real but now they are not.

I no longer take this person seriously. I may be able to appreciate what he or she did artistically but it’s impossible to feel bad for them. Their life wasn’t cut short — it was purposely abandoned. It’s hard to feel bad when the person did what they wanted to. It sucks they are gone, of course, but it’s the decision they made. I have to respect it and move on.

A few years ago, a guy I’d known for many years hanged himself in a basement. Weeks later, I went to the spot and picked up bits of plastic coating from the cord he used, which were on the floor after he was cut down. I liked the guy, but all I could think of then is all I can think of now — the drawings his kids had made that were pasted up on the walls of his kitchen.

Almost 40,000 people a year kill themselves in America, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. In my opinion, that is 40,000 people who blew it.

Fuck suicide. Life isn’t anything but what you make it. For all the people who walked from the grocery store back to their house, only to be met by a robber who shot them in the head for nothing — you gotta hang in there.

I have life by the neck and drag it along. Rarely does it move fast enough. Raw Power forever.


I experience clinical depression every day and I know first hand what drives a person to consider suicide as an option.

To those who find what Henry Rollins says offensive, at least RTFA, not some decontextualised snippet that’s floating around in the media.

The man has seen plenty and survived.

That’s something I respect.


Someone who is able to deliver an honest public apology to people who are upset by what he’s said is more deserving of respect, IMHO.

An Apology


August 22 2014

2016 PST

For the last 9+ hours, I have been answering letters from people from all over the world. The anger is off the scale and in my opinion, well placed.

The article I wrote in the LA Weekly about suicide caused a lot of hurt. This is perhaps one of the bigger understatements of all time. I read all the letters. Some of them were very long and the disappointment, resentment and ringing clarity was jarring.

That I hurt anyone by what I said, and I did hurt many, disgusts me. It was not at all my intent but it most certainly was the result.

I have had a life of depression. Some days are excruciating. Knowing what I know and having been through what I have, I should have known better but I obviously did not. I get so mad when I hear that someone has died this way. Not mad at them, mad at whatever got them there and that no one magically appeared to somehow save them.

I am not asking for a break from the caning, take me to the woodshed as much as you see fit. If what I said has caused you to be done with me, I get it.

I wrote something for the LA Weekly that they will post on Monday.

I wanted to get this out at this moment.

I am deeply sorry. Down to my marrow. I can’t think that means anything to you, but I am. Completely sorry. It is not of my interest to hurt anyone but I know I did. Thank you for reading this. Henry


NOTE: Comments on this blog are actively screened. Be civilised please.

On Not Being Depressed.

In my case it can’t be done. The condition doesn’t go away. The symptoms can though.

I’ve been managing for a long time without pharmaceutical antidepressants. I’m changing that this week.

I’m not certain how I’ve survived without my head turning into the sort of temporal/spatial anomaly theoretical physicists and Star Trek script writers love. I have a fair idea though.


August 18, 2014, 22:24

Saved By The Computer.


All I need to do is survive until first thing Thursday without imploding.

August 19, 2014, 19:34

Not Being Depressed.

I got a call from my Grandfather this evening. It was a funny back and forth. He was giving me some good advice about diet etc. that mostly involved practical Scots NZer rural horse sense like rolled oats and getting out walking.

Then the gears shifted audibly and I had to tell him again how to operate his bedroom TV.

It’s all familiar enough. One makes as much sense as, and is repetitive as the other.

And just now I fixed a problem I’ve been having in Debian that’s been ongoing for six or eight months. It involved the usual semi-useless hopping around in Google search, the near trashing of my system by uninstalling initscripts, and then hopping around some more and finding that I’d fixed it by rewriting /etc/apt/sources.list and deleting mtab.sh from /etc/init.d/ so that dpkg would stop tripping over itself. So now I can run wajig or apt-get and install, remove and update packages without things shitting themselves and spewing errors at me.

It’s goat blood, rabbit’s feet and horseshoes for all practical intents and purposes, but unlike JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING ELSE IN LIFE, it’s based on logical rules, and if you keep at it you can figure it out.

I like computers.

I’ve got “The Neverending Story” playing in the background. I like it too, because perversely it also makes sense. I’m talking about the audiobook, not those awful movies that Michael Ende tried and failed to have nothing to do with.

Listening to “The Neverending Story” as an audiobook breaks the metaphor. It’s better as a printed book, especially if you have a good edition that has the AURYN on the cover and that is printed in red and green. Then it leaves all those hobbits and potters for dead.

When I’m finished I’m going to to have another go at reading that book of E.R. Eddison’s that I gave up on when I was twelve.

Henry Rollins!: West Coast Sound, LA Weekly

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